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Monthly Musings

July 2007

Co-Dependence vs. Interdependence

In the New World, it no longer works to have relationships based on co-dependence.  What is co-dependence?  Co-dependence is neediness, needing someone else to fill the holes within.  The partners tend to possess each other, as if they own the other and have a right to decide what the partner can or cannot do.  This type of interaction allows for jealousy and the need to control one another.  The partner(s) feel as though they are nothing or incomplete without the other.

Enmeshment becomes a keyword for the type of boundaries present in this type of relationship. The focus in a co-dependent relationship is on being loved rather than loving the other.  The fear of rejection begins to take root. As the disowned aspects of the self are projected onto the partner, the polarities inherent in co-dependent relationships surface.  In this type of relationship, we enable others to stay small, instead of empowering them to grow to full potential.

 When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.

--Rachel Naomi Remen

Interdependence is the type of love based on service to others. We serve our partners, friends, communities, and our world, by loving in a pure and unconditional way. Cooperation and collaboration are keywords for the understanding of our interdependence with others. Maturity awakens the realization that our own security lies within, not in another. Each partner has made a Higher Self connection and found security and wholeness within. The partners are not expecting someone else to make them whole. Being interdependent does not mean that we have lost our own ‘inner freedom’. Rather through self love we have come to realize a deeper love for others as well, one which is based on service and devotion to another’s highest and greatest good.

A new sense of authenticity arises from a partnership where the individuals continue to get their own needs met, as well as contribute to the needs of the relationship. The individuals create an alliance; a collaboration towards something greater than the self, and this creates its own reward. Interdependent relationships offer a playground for exploring new depths of intimacy. Finding adventure and renewal with others is a benefit beyond what any partner has dreamed possible. Relationships of this type are co-creating new potentialities and possibilities at all times.

The partners in an interdependent relationship have chosen to be together because they want to, not because of any unmet needs.  The partners have come to a soulful understanding that “there is no one in human form who will always take care of us.”   Rather, they have learned that a spiritual connection with the Divine is a necessity as we reside in this physical plane.

John Bradshaw, in his book, Creating Love, describes partners in interdependent relationships saying,  “… they often know each other intuitively, can read each other’s minds and anticipate each other’s desires.  The two people have become one.  Yet they remain uniquely themselves.  Each partner experiences the mystery and uniqueness of their mate.  Their intimacy is…constant and workable, deeper and more soulful.”

Moving from co-dependent relationships to interdependent relationships, and from enabling to empowering others, is a necessity in the coming times.  This applies to all partnerships, intimate and family relationships, as well as community and world- wide collaborations.  This is a necessary step on the path towards creating the state of Heaven on Earth.

 Driven by the forces of love, the fragments of the world seek each other so that the world may come into being. Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves

-- Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

2007